Slacklining - A Struggle For Balance

Balance.

It sounds like such a simple word. We hear it all the time: a balanced diet, work/life balance, a balanced budget. It almost sounds as though balance is something we're supposed to achieve, check off the list, and move on with our lives.

But have you ever watched a tightrope walker and thought, That looks easy? Or watched a Zen Buddhist monk remain completely centered despite the chaos unfolding around them and thought, I could do that? (I seriously doubt it, and if you did, you may be a little delusional)

I think an even better metaphor than a tightrope is a slackline. A tightrope is rigid and predictable. A slackline bends, bounces, sways and shifts beneath your feet with every step you take. Staying upright isn't about finding perfect balance once then trying to maintain and hold onto it. It's about making hundreds of tiny adjustments every few seconds. The line is always moving, so you have to keep adapting with your full body and mind.

That feels a lot more like life.

The older I get, the more I realize that balance isn't a goal that has a destination or that is something that could be reached and maintained once achieved. It's a daily ritualized practice. It's a series of constant recalibrations. My confession is that this is truly the area of my life I struggle with the most.

With low-key ADHD, a ridiculous number of passions and interests, and what feels like a dozen different careers and identities all competing for my attention, I wouldn't exactly call myself a master of time management. Time, money, health, and pretty much every area of my life often feels completely out of balance.

TAKE THE WINS

Let me start with two areas that I actually have managed to balance pretty well.

Ironically, one area of my life feels surprisingly healthy. I'm able to work consistently while still making plenty of time for my wife. Somehow, after all these years, we've managed to protect that almost effortlessly. Maybe it's because I don't drive and she takes me to all my events, so we end up spending a lot of time together that many couples don't get. Whatever the reason, I'll happily take that checkmark.

My second checkmark is my mental health.

I wasn't always able to say that.

As a child and well into my young adult years, I was incredibly emotionally unbalanced. It took years of self-reflection, healing, and consciously reprogramming the way I thought about myself and the world. I eventually found ways to create emotional and psychological balance without medication. For me, that has meant a combination of spiritual practices, avoiding situations and people that consistently disrupt my peace, and intentionally making time for the things that bring me genuine joy.

I've also learned that self-awareness is probably the greatest tool we have when it comes to protecting our mental health. Knowing yourself, understanding why you are the way you are, making peace with your past, and choosing to be present instead of living in old stories has changed my life.

Everyone's path to mental wellness looks different, and what works for me won't necessarily work for someone else. One example is driving. Most people would probably see not driving as a limitation, but for me it's actually part of what protects my peace. I have a deep phobia around driving, and instead of forcing myself to fit someone else's definition of independence, I've built a life that works with who I am instead of constantly fighting against it.

I'll gladly take that checkmark too. Some things may be sacrificed in the process, but the peace and joy I've found have been worth every one of them.

If You Are What You Eat, What Even Am I?

That one has been a lifelong adventure. Or perhaps a lifelong identity crisis.

Not because I dream about living on fast food and processed junk. I genuinely care about my health. I read. I research. I listen to podcasts. I follow doctors, nutritionists, biohackers, longevity experts, hormone specialists, and every other self-proclaimed guru who promises they've finally cracked the code. The problem is they all seem to contradict one another.

Eat low fat, but eat healthy fats

Count calories, but calories don't matter.

Carbs are the enemy, but not the right carbs.

Actually, sugar is the real enemy.

Plants heal everything, but they are also trying to kill you.

By this point, my body is tired, confused and absolutely out-of-sync.

For years I honestly believed that if I could just find the right way of eating, everything else in life would magically fall into place. In fact, maybe my purpose in life is just to figure out this one major thing that has plagued me since childhood.

I ate nothing, but skinless chicken breast, spinach, egg whites, lettuce, and mushrooms for many years counting every macro. Technically healthy? Sure. But I felt empty...and not just because I was hungry.

Veganism made perfect sense to me. Ethically, environmentally, nutritionally...I loved the philosophy behind it and the recipes I could create with the vast variety of plant-based ingredients available. I started out with a sixty-day green juice fast. Well...almost. I fainted just before the finish line, which probably should have been my first clue that maybe I had a tendency to overdo things. I juiced. I ate about eighty percent raw. I eliminated grains. I tweaked and tweaked and tweaked, convinced I simply hadn't found the perfect formula yet all the while steadily packing on my pounds and being told "your body is still adjusting" until I was 80 lbs up 8 months in.

That was a humbling experience, but moreover I began feeling more and more defeated and hopeless which makes me take things a step further into the extremes....

So naturally, I responded with the same measured, reasonable approach I seem to apply to everything else in life. (insert eye roll) "If plants made me gain weight...then clearly I should eat nothing but meat." Yeah. That makes sense.

I went completely carnivore. I lost thirty pounds, but I also ended up with severe fatigue, digestive issues, and feeling so lousy that I barely cared about the weight loss. I also even had a private fitness instructor the entire time too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that clearly, the extremes didn't work out for me because my body is craving, the one thing I'm still trying to figure out: Balance.

I can see the pattern so clearly. I don't just tip the scales literally; I tip them figuratively too. My instinct is almost always to swing toward the extreme.

If fasting for sixteen hours is healthy, why not fast for a week? Bring on the autophagy! My poor body honestly doesn't know what I'm doing anymore.

Just when I thought I had enough variables to juggle, along came perimenopause to join the party. A hormonal imbalance on top of PCOS, another hormonal imbalance I've been living with since I was a teenager.

Actually, come to think of it, maybe that's where all of this really began. Maybe the hormones became imbalanced first, and everything else has simply been trying to compensate ever since. It makes sense. Severe spikes in cortisol due to extreme stress and trauma as a child that sent my hormones into a lifelong rebellion.

TIME KEEPS ON TICKING INTO THE FUTURE

Unfortunately, my tendency toward extremes doesn't stop with food. It happily spills over into just about every other area of my life.

Take time management or should I say...time mismanagement.

Don't get me wrong. If you hire me to sing at your wedding or your corporate event, I'll be there on time. I take my commitments to other people very seriously. It's everything that happens before I leave the house that's the problem.

I wake up around 9:00 a.m., and before I even get out of bed, my wife and I spend some time talking and catching up. Somewhere in there I'll innocently pick up my phone. Big mistake.

10 minutes later, I've somehow gone from watching an baby goat video to reading about peptides, which leads me to a podcast about perimenopause, which reminds me I need to post about tonight's event on social media, which turns into answering comments, which somehow leads me to researching an entirely different topic that has nothing to do with what I picked up my phone for.

By then it's almost 11am. I finally get up, feed my parrot, Oiseau & let him enjoy some time outside, and if everything goes according to plan, I'll actually make myself a healthy breakfast or wait is it brunch? Lunch? Whatever this meal turns out to be. I tend to have two meals per day (late morning & late afternoon).

If everything goes according to plan, maybe I'll make it over to my longevity spa for a sauna and cold plunge. I even put it in the calendar to make it a priority, but I probably won't make it there in time. I think it said to be there at 10am. It's already 1pm, omg no it's 2pm!!! Oops...it's already time to start getting ready for today's shows. So much for that walk. Exercise has once again lost to scrolling and dilly-dallying.

By the way...did you see that adorable baby dolphin video I sent you? It's so cute when the baby jumps in the air at the end, but I digress.

There's my brain that takes up so much of my time! Many meditators like to call it the monkey brain because it's hard to control, but the monk in Thailand called it the Elephant brain because it just comes through causing destruction and taking ALL our attention. I tend to call it "low-key ADHD" because I'm actually capable of getting an incredible amount done.

My brain generates a brand-new idea about every thirty seconds, and every single one of them feels like it deserves my immediate attention. Suddenly, something entirely irrelevant to my present life completely takes over...like finding my dream home under $10 million dollars on Zillow despite the fact that I don't have $2 in savings. Look René, we could totally live here, when and if we ever win the lottery. Did we get a ticket? No? We should go do that later today.

Sometimes I'll be right in the middle of one project when another idea pops into my head. Then another. Then another...Actually, hold on a second...I just thought of a really good healthy snack I want to make and I happen to have all the ingredients in my cabinet. Oh I could also make a yummy tea blend.

Okay, I'm back. This tea is delicious; you should try some. In fact, tell me all your health issues and I'll make you a custom blend.

Where were we? Oh yes...ideas.

I have a ridiculous number of them. Just ask my wife. She's been listening to them ever since she had the complete audacity to ask me out on a date twenty-one years ago. She was completely enamored by all of my brilliant ideas when I was twenty-four and it absolutely confounds me that she still seems to like both me and my ideas.

Ironically, most of those ideas aren't even things I want to spend my life or even an iota of my time pursuing. They just show up. I don't invite them. My brain simply refuses to stop creating. Amazing restaurant and cafe and food truck ideas? Another book idea? Another app idea?

Did I mention that cooking is kind of my favorite creative outlet for my ideas? I have a lot of recipe ideas, and I don't have any interest in following existing recipes, but they usually require something. Some ingredients. A weird kitchen gadget. I also love doing my makeup and fashion. I get a lot of ideas around outfits and makeup. Years ago, this wasn't such a big deal...I'd have ideas and I'd make a lot of lists. The primary thing I spent money on was notebooks I purchased in person from various stores for all my lists, then something shifted during COVID when I discovered the ease of Amazon!! For years my days would go like this - "oh I need tape" and every time I'd go to look for tape I'd repeat that until finally one day I remembered we needed tape when I happened to pass it at a store, I never step foot in anymore. Now, "I need tape" turns into tape delivered to my doorstep within 48 hours amongst other things I "needed" that I noticed as I looked for tape on Amazon. Life has never felt more convenient or expensive. I'm fairly certain Jeff Bezos has built at least one tiny corner of his empire off people like me. This is also creating a very bad relationship between both budget and time management.

Don't worry! My rent & bills get paid on time. Usually one way or another, thanks to my impressive credit card debt. But let's just say my savings account does not exist, and my investment portfolio consists mostly of musical instruments, gear, wellness equipment, and enough creative supplies to start several businesses I have no intention of starting.

Although...my gongs will last a lifetime.

I still think they are a worthwhile investment.

Money has never been about buying flashy things, brand names or keeping up with anyone else. It's simply that my excitement often outruns my practicality. I get inspired, I see possibilities everywhere, and before I know it, I'm convincing myself that this next purchase is absolutely essential because it's somehow connected to one of the hundreds of ideas bouncing around inside my head.

Sometimes it actually is.

Sometimes...it's just another stupid impulse buy that breaks or stops working just after the return window is closed (note to self: buy from Costco - the return window never closes except when the store closes even though the lines are insane)

JUST WRITE THE DAMN BOOK

So, being that I'm obviously just a little bit impulsive, irresponsible, and eccentric (think Mad Hatter with an Amazon Prime account), I decided that what I REALLY NEED to accomplish in the middle of all this is write a book. Not just any book, but one that I genuinely believe has the potential to create a cultural shift. No pressure, right? I've been mostly keeping this on the down low, which is not something I really do. My life is literally an open book. I don't keep secrets nor consider much about myself or my life very "personal." I kept this book writing to myself because I don't like external pressure (I would have a mental break in a bootcamp), but I've been gradually spilling the tea on what I'm working on and people are pretty excited about it which is fueling my fire. I even enrolled in the Hay House Book Writers Boot Camp.... more of like a Zoom camp.

Now I'm struggling to fine the BALANCE I need with that time management and other things I have going on to really give my amazing book the time and energy it requires to meet the deadlines I've set for myself.

I don't know how other people set out to write their books when balancing their life and family, but with my personality I find it impossible to just carve out an hour to write between appointments, squeeze out a couple of pages, and call it productive.

I wish I could. Instead, I need almost an entire day with nothing scheduled. Then I need another two or three hours just to mentally and physically prepare to begin the deep dive. I'll eat something, tidy up my workspace, gather everything I think I might need, put on my "writing outfit" (yes, that's a real thing), and slowly work my way into the right headspace. Shoot, I forgot to charge my headphones so that I can listen to binaural beats for high beta focus...maybe I'll write tomorrow? Nope, I've got that root canal in the afternoon.

I even bought an under-desk elliptical because my chronic venous insufficiency and sitting still for hours don't exactly get along. My favorite writing shirt has the Caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland on it with the words, "Don't Bother Me." It isn't meant to be funny...although it is. It's a warning.

Because once I slip into hyperfocus, I'm gone. My wife keeps glancing at me wondering if it is safe to ask me if I need a glass of water while she notices I haven't moved in 4 hours. Sometimes she just gets me one anyhow and sets it on my desk nonchalantly. She might ask if I want to take a walk across the street to watch the sunset on the beach to which I'd likely reply "no, I can't, I'm in the middle of writing this idea."

I was like this as a kid, too. If I became interested in something, the rest of the world disappeared. I won't notice that I'm hungry. I won't realize I haven't had a sip of water in hours. I'll completely forget that normal humans occasionally stand up, stretch, or use the bathroom. It's one of my greatest gifts, and one of my biggest hurdles and completely self-inflicted.

The irony isn't lost on me that I'm trying to write a book that basically talks about all these challenges we've created for ourselves through survival adaptations, while constantly wrestling with my own. Maybe that's the point and the inspiration in synchronicity. None of us have it all figured out. We're all works in progress. We're all trying to make sense of our own patterns while becoming a little more intentional about the way we live.

The older I get, the less interested I am in perfection. I don't think balance means getting everything exactly right. I don't think anyone wakes up one morning and finally declares, "That's it! I've mastered work, health, finances, relationships, and time management." That would be more delusional than my $12 million dollar house I have saved on Zillow that far exceeds my $10 million dollar budget I set based on my imaginary lottery winnings when in reality there's still less than $2 in my bank account. Life doesn't work that way.

Life is much more like walking a slackline. Every step changes the line beneath your feet. You lean a little too far one way, you make a tiny correction. The wind shifts, you adjust again. The line keeps moving, and so do you.

Looking back over my own life, I can see my tendencies and patterns quite clearly. Yes, I tend to swing toward extremes and live in my imagination. If something is worth doing, my brain thinks it's worth overdoing. Whether it's nutrition, fasting, writing, research, work, or collecting new ideas, moderation has never exactly been my default setting.

I am well aware that balance doesn't live at either end of the spectrum. It's the middle-ground, but it doesn't have to be a boring middle, just a flexible one that actually brings me where I truly want to be - in a state of peace. This is why the monk sits in meditation and why everyone wants you to try to have balance - because balance isn't actually the destination at all, but it's a course correction needed to find the real place we all want to be....in that state of peace. Balance = Peace. A place where I can be deeply passionate without burning myself out, where I can pursue big dreams without neglecting the simple things that keep me healthy, and where I can laugh at my wonderfully chaotic brain instead of constantly trying to fix it.

It's not that there's something wrong with me or you or anyone else really, we're all doing our best with the tools we have acquired through life, which happens to be EXACTLY what my book is about. In fact, if you distilled my book down into one phrase it would be "who you had to be to survive isn't who you are" and it's really about looking on the dark side of leaves of the gardens within our being to find all the hidden caterpillars that are still doing whatever it takes to survive. It's about self-awareness not through the remarkable transformation & arrival of the butterfly, but through the brilliant steady patterns set through the survival strategies of your own inner Caterpillar Code (the title of my book is The Caterpillar Code, get it now?)

I digress, so back to this blog theme on balance....

I'm still slacklining.

Some days I wobble more than others.

Some days I find my footing.

Either way, I keep moving forward (just like a caterpillar).

What about you? Where in your life are you finding it hardest to keep your balance?